A dad blowing raspberries on his child's belly — When tension is high, humor or play can flip the dynamic instantly. You’re not giving up authority — you’re just shifting the energy from resistance to connection.

If you’ve ever found yourself in a standoff with your child — you know, the kind where they cross their arms and stare you down while you try to keep your cool — you’re not alone. As both a mom and a speech-language pathologist, I’ve been there so many times. I am not proud to admit that even this morning I ended up in a back-and-forth tornado of emotions with my four-year-old over carrying her backpack to the car.

The truth is, young kids are wired to seek control and independence. Power struggles are their way of saying, “I want a say in this, too.” I started to beat myself up about this interaction and now I’m writing a blog about it with the intention of learning, teaching, and doing better next time around (because we all know, we will be right back there again soon).

Our natural instinct as adults is to dig in, to hold our ground, to “win” the moment or demonstrate who is in charge. When both sides are trying to win, no one really does. The good news is there are some practical, simple ways to step out of the power struggle without giving in completely or losing your mind in the process.

1. Name the Need Beneath the Behavior

When your child refuses to get dressed, clean up, or brush their teeth, it’s rarely about the task itself. It’s about autonomy. They’re saying, “I want to make decisions about my own body and world.”
Try narrating what you see:

“It looks like you don’t want to carry your backpack outside right now. You want to play longer.”
Just naming what’s going on can lower their defenses — it helps kids feel understood and seen. Once they feel heard and seen, they’re much more likely to cooperate.
*It also allows you a moment to process the situation and make decisions about how you want to proceed.

2. Offer Choices (That You Can Live With)

Instead of “You need to carry your backpack outside,” try “Do you want to carry your backpack or wear it on your back?”
Giving kids some control in the situation, satisfies that independence craving and keeps you out of the “yes/no” battle zone.

Here’s the key: only offer choices you’re genuinely okay with and that align with the overall plans. Not whether or not something gets done, but rather how it will get done.

3. Use Playfulness as a Reset

This one can be magical. When tension is high, humor or play can flip the dynamic instantly.

Turn toothbrushing into “chasing the sugar bugs”
Race to the door instead of saying “hurry up.”
Use a silly voice when giving directions.

*You’re not giving up authority — you’re just shifting the energy from resistance to connection.

4. Stay Regulated (Even When They’re Not)

This one is SO HARD for me personally. Kids borrow our calm — or our chaos. They pick up on the ways we regulate ourselves (or not). When we match their intensity, it feeds the fire. When we slow down, breathe, and keep our voice steady, it helps their nervous system settle, too (co-regulation).
A phrase I remind myself of often: “I can control my reactions; I can’t control my child.”

This mentality is powerful.

5. Use “When-Then” Language Instead of Threats

This small language shift changes everything:

Use this: “When you finish your snack, then we can go outside,”

Instead of: “If you don’t eat your snack, we’re not going outside.”

The first focuses on what will happen when the task is done; the second sets up a fight. Kids respond better to clear, positive expectations than to vague consequences.

6. Let Some Battles Go

Again, another really tough one for me…but sometimes, the best way to “win” is not to play. Ask yourself: Is this about safety, respect, or routine — or is it about control? If it’s the latter, it might not be worth the tug-of-war.
Letting go of the small things teaches kids that cooperation is a two-way street.

Whether I’m in the therapy room coaching a family or at home with my own child, I have to remind myself daily: connection comes before correction.
When kids feel connected, they’re more flexible, more cooperative, and more willing to meet us halfway. Power struggles don’t disappear entirely — they’re part of growing up, yet they lose their grip when we shift from “How do I make them do this?” to “How do I help them feel safe and strong in order to do this?”

And on the days when it all falls apart (because it will), offer yourself the same compassion you’d give your child. You’re both learning how to navigate this together.

Avoiding the Power Struggle